Finally made my decision.

PHD is off. Decided not to take it up and will not live to regret it.
Wasn't easy coming to that decision but at least it was quite clear to myself why i have chosen not to do it.

Initially, PHD was a goal because that's where the next academic milestone typically is after obtaining a Masters. It is something being kept at the back of my mind after graduation because it was a rational target and one i wouldn't mind working for if i can't find a job. From time to time, i do find myself entertaining that thought of going to study full time for a PHD when job gets tough. And why not? It seemed a logical choice to make. Where else would i be going since i would not consider changing my field of work at all? Obtaining another post-graduate degree seems like a likely plan.

Hence, it seemed like a "sign" that i was even encouraged at work to try for a PHD. Application was sent, testimonial received and 3 months later, i was suddenly faced with the choice of actually doing a PHD. And what followed was a whirlwind of how to manage my study, my work, the practicalities, the time committment and responsibilities being bombarded on me. I guess while trying to make sure that i can accomodate completing the PHD, i have not really asked myself, WHY a phd? What does it do for me? In some crazy ways, i have forgotten to answer the most fundamental question of all. Sure, if phd takes only a year and i am just picking up another degree along the way at no cost of my own, being fully funded for and what not. But no, I must be prepared to give up half my job, which i love to do, just so that i can manage to complete my phd in 4 years time. I have to be prepared to give up my social life, other oppuntunities of extra skills training courses, travelling, and personal space for a PHD. When i am confronted with this, I have to ask myself, is the PHD going to be personally fulfuiling and worthwhile for me to do all that?

So is it?

Why did i complete a masters? Do i really like to study that much? To be frank, my main objective of getting a masters was so that i can be recognized as a practising psychologist and be hired as one. To put my foot into the door so to speak. Because i KNOW that is what i want to do. To be a psychologist working DIRECTLY with children. To do intervention. To affect changes in other's life. To get dirty and scruffy. To not get stuck behind a desk, wear power suits, have my butt glued to an armchair. Those were my goals. They still are. And i must say, my effort at my masters degree had paid off because this is precisely what i am doing now at my job and i LOVE it. So what else can a PHD bring me? Prestige? A comfy chair in some university later in my life? Piles of papers and researches to read through and write? Even if i don't do those, i will be stuck at my job at the exact same place from 4 years ago before i even start the PHD. That is not what i want. It will not add any VALUE to what my goals are. I want to hone my skills as a clinician. To learn new therapy techniques. To work with more children. To understand them better.

Will a PHD by research give me all that? I don't think so. So do i want to sacrifice another 3-4years of my life just to pursue that prestige but little else? If i were to do that, it would mean more than giving up my social life and having fun. I would be giving up the chance to learn new things applicable to my work (since phd require half my work time), and i would be giving up pursuing my REAL goals in life. Sure, i would love to be called Dr Lee, make my parents proud and if PHD can be done in a year or so, why not? But it is not. I realized if i were to take it on, i would be giving up on most of the things that are important to me. If i were to be force to give those up, it damn well be for something that is more fulfuiling that a PHD.

Sorry to have to go through all those things before i make my decision. I guess i wasn't as aware of myself and what i want as i originally thought. Anyway, it was nice to know that i can be accepted onto the program. Perhaps some days i will pursue a doctorate. But this time i'll know exactly what i want and i know doing research is not it. Who knows, perhaps 3 years down the road i could be embarking on a doctorate for clinical psychology where it would be a full time degree with practicum instead of research. That's something i could explore. But till then, its going to be byebye to the PHD and back to work with a new realization of where i want to be in years to come.

I think i will be happier this way.